Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!