Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!

Just Another Day In Hell 10/31/16

There are no holidays in Hell, the Sixth Circle is closed and how can a Fallen Angel find a good woman in Hell?

Could there be anything more cliche than a Halloween in Hell post?

*sigh*

Let’s just make this clear, there are no holidays in Hell. Torment and suffering are the daily agenda and we don’t put damnation on pause so we can dress up and eat candy. Hell is all tricks and no treats. Well, except for the special area we have reserved for dentists.

The ancient Pagans were wrong. The spirits of their dead ancestors were not any closer to them. They were either in Heaven licking the Old Man’s boots, or down here with me, nestled cozily into an eternal ordeal of anguish.

And I had nothing to do with you limbed worms dying either, that was another special gift from He Who’s Name Cannot Be Spoken. By the way, it’s Todd. Just Todd.

However, interesting fact, the Department of Suffering Statistics has determined that those who dress up like me for Halloween more than once are almost a hundred times more likely to end up here in Hell than those that did not. So as much as it displeases me to see you spiritual nematodes mock me through cheap plastic costume likenesses, it does bring the sinners to my yard.

So…Sheila ended up coming over on Saturday for ‘Netflix & Chill’. We started watching a science fiction film, which was an extra terrible idea on my part. From the opening scene she began trying to figure out the entire plot, verbally, as though she had missed something. Every couple of minutes she asked me what I thought was happening. I wanted in that ass, so I would try to answer or tell her I didn’t know. 1/3rd of the way through the movie I just couldn’t take it any more.

“I don’t fucking know, Sheila. That is probably the reason the movie hasn’t ended yet, is so they can finish solving the fucking mystery. But I have no fucking clue, Sheila, because you have talked through the entire film. Like you always do.”

I did not get up in that ass, nor will I likely ever get up in it again. But at least I don’t have to ever suffer cinema with her again, either.

Probably gonna try one of those dating sites again. If things weren’t so tight down here, i’d just pay for it and go about my life.

Help keep the flames on, donate to Make Hell Great Again at GoFundMe.

The Flaming Tombs of the Heretics are pretty much worn down to nothing. No matter what materials we use, the casings always break down under the constant enclosed heat. I am not even sure when or if I will ever be able to replace them. So the Sixth Circle has been completely closed, and I was forced to send the souls there to Violence or Wrath to receive their torment until I can figure out something else.

In the meantime, Hell is not accepting any more Heretics until further notice. And that could be centuries in dirt time, so any of you worms that wanna bash the Big Guy, now would be a great time to do it.

And since Atheism is at an all time high, thanks to yours truly, this is gonna be a huge loss for new admissions. Without new souls, there is no funding. Without funding, Hell falls apart. Without Hell, the universe collapses into itself. Do the math and donate.

We still accept checks.