From time to time somebody asks me if I am a Satanist. It is just as silly as asking Christ if He is a Christian or a fire if it is an arsonist.
In Heaven there was no religion. It was just the Have vs. the have-nots with a lot of compulsive ass-kissing. Religion is nothing I even considered until about the time that your ancient Sumerians walked dirtside.
At first I thought all of your religions were just really shitty stories, and I was embarassed for you. The first inkling of a religion I could sink my teeth into was the early Gnostics, who figured out what I had been saying for millennia – I am not the bad guy.
Of course, that quickly devolved into the catastrophe of Christianity, and as I became the poster boy for Evil I began to despise your childish spiritual habits.
Then in the 19th century, things started to get interesting again. Following Theosophy, Anthroposophy picked up where Gnosticism left off and righted my place in the cosmic scheme. But I did not become a Anthroposophist just because it painted me in a better light.
Next came Aleister Crowley, one of my closest personal friends and all time favorite poet. His juxtaposition of symbols, archetypes and metaphors transformed western spiritual thought. And from it flowed new traditions which I very much enjoyed.
One of these was the Satanism of Anton LaVey. While I agree with pretty much most of what he preached, the guy was a total douche. I was sorta embarrassed to be associated with him.
But in the 20th century there was one religion that I could finally call my own -Discordianism.
Discordianism looks like a literary prank to the uninitiated, but is actually as close as any religion has come to describing the nature of existence. And Kerry and Greg, the guys who came up with it, are some of the smartest, funniest people here in Hell. I suggest you check it out. It won’t get you into Heaven, but neither will anything else worth doing.
I have a stack of budget approvals on my desk right now that is so high I have to keep a winged demon around just to fetch from the top of the pile. Not a single one of you spiritual parasites has yet to donate to HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN. Hope you penny-pinching peons like the total obliteration of all that exists, because that is what is gonna happen if I don’t get some help around here.