Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!

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Just Another Day in Hell 12/28/16

Trust me humans, when I want you to see me… YOU WILL!

red-devil

 

I’ve let it go for a long time, mainly because I like to laugh at these stories of fiction just like most. Most of them are from people who are close to coming to live with me, but… They haven’t quite finished the tasks I needed completed so, I usually will send them back to complete their work. Here are a couple of my newest favorite stories I’m sure to bring a chuckle to your ugly mug…

One guy made a video saying he saw me fall out of the sky like lightning while he was close to death. He stood outside in an empty field video taping himself in front of some sculptures even I don’t like  looking at. He kept rambling on and on and on… Who knows what he was really talking about. Every few moments or so, he would read a bible verse and make my ears bleed with that mumbo jumbo… The part that fascinated me most was… If I’m already in Hell.. How in the hell, can I fall out of Heaven just to land in Hell again?

rainbow-gloves

Then we have a lady who thinks she sees me when she is awake. She’s a special case alright! She says she has seen me twice. I like to kill people, so I know for sure this is not the case. The first time she saw me, she says I looked like I was made only out of two hands and a rainbow. How pretty that must have been for her!! RAINBOWS????  Yeah, ok lady!!

white-guy-with-blue-eyes

 

The second time she saw me..  You ready for this? I was a tall white man, with short, blonde hair. She even remembed that I had a part in the side of my head. She said I have beautiful blue eyes!! WOW!!! I had on a Black suit with a white shirt and a black tie. Who am I? Paul Walker? He’s around here DRIVING some girls crazy.. But, I digress.. This lady sounds like she was describing the man she wants and not me! I am so glad I do not look like that! I wouldn’t get plastic surgery to make myself look like that for all the donations in the world to my HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN fund! Speaking of which… If you all don’t start donating, I might have to make a real appearance real soon!

HAIL ERIS!

 

 

 

Just Another Day In Hell 11/7/16

Stop asking me if I am a Satanist, it is a stupid question. Hail Eris!

From time to time somebody asks me if I am a Satanist. It is just as silly as asking Christ if He is a Christian or a fire if it is an arsonist.

In Heaven there was no religion. It was just the Have vs. the have-nots with a lot of compulsive ass-kissing. Religion is nothing I even considered until about the time that your ancient Sumerians walked dirtside.

At first I thought all of your religions were just really shitty stories, and I was embarassed for you. The first inkling of a religion I could sink my teeth into was the early Gnostics, who figured out what I had been saying for millennia – I am not the bad guy.

Of course, that quickly devolved into the catastrophe of Christianity, and as I became the poster boy for Evil I began to despise your childish spiritual habits.

Then in the 19th century, things started to get interesting again. Following Theosophy, Anthroposophy picked up where Gnosticism left off and righted my place in the cosmic scheme. But I did not become a Anthroposophist just because it painted me in a better light.

Next came Aleister Crowley, one of my closest personal friends and all time favorite poet. His juxtaposition of symbols, archetypes and metaphors transformed western spiritual thought. And from it flowed new traditions which I very much enjoyed.

One of these was the Satanism of Anton LaVey. While I agree with pretty much most of what he preached, the guy was a total douche. I was sorta embarrassed to be associated with him.

But in the 20th century there was one religion that I could finally call my own -Discordianism.

I won’t go into the details. You can check out the sacred text The Principia Discordia or an analysis of its philosophy in relation to practical applications for yourself.

Discordianism looks like a literary prank to the uninitiated, but is actually as close as any religion has come to describing the nature of existence. And Kerry and Greg, the guys who came up with it, are some of the smartest, funniest people here in Hell. I suggest you check it out. It won’t get you into Heaven, but neither will anything else worth doing.

I have a stack of budget approvals on my desk right now that is so high I have to keep a winged demon around just to fetch from the top of the pile. Not a single one of you spiritual parasites has yet to donate to HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN. Hope you penny-pinching peons like the total obliteration of all that exists, because that is what is gonna happen if I don’t get some help around here.

HAIL ERIS!