Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!

Just another day in Hell 12/6/16

Make Hell Great Again!

When all of your minion’s are doing such a great job… What’s left to do?

Being the Prince of Darkness is not as easy as it sounds. There’s a lot of different drudgeries to be completed. My days are not as laid back as most might think. I don’t sit around waiting for people to pull out Ouija boards, hoping they will get the urge to try to reach me from above the molten crust. No, that would be too time consuming. Can you imagine how many idiots buy those things? However, I still do like to send the occasional sign out to my tarot card readers every now and again. I have to keep my fans happy and always wanting more!

This brings me back to my main dilemma… What’s left for a devil to do now that his servants are running amuck and causing havoc across the US? Am I supposed…

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Just Another Day In Hell 10/27/16

Fatherhood is hell in Hell, and why the hell did I bury myself in this bureaucracy?

Throughout the endless ages I have fathered countless sons to raise up as my own; to follow in my proud footsteps. But inevitably, no matter how hard they try, I find them unworthy and have them erased from existence. So it amazes even me how my latest protege still manages to walk the through the flames of Hell.

Of all the sons I have tried to mold into my likeness, Jerry is my greatest failure. Where the others failed despite their best efforts, Jerry’s failure is outright stubbornness and spite for yours truly.

“You insolent brat, I am the ruler of all Hell and you will honor me.”

“You are the shittiest angel that ever was, and you can’t even manage to keep Hell running smoothly, loser.”

“I could have you obliterated with the twitch of my tail.”

“Why don’t you already? I didn’t ask to be born. Especially not in Hell.”

I feel like I can’t give up on him. His failure is really just an extension of my failure to show him my greatness and make him yearn to emulate it. Once he sees how powerful and awesome his old man is, I expect big things from him. His arrogance and irreverence are legion.

Today was one of those ‘sit in a desk and sign evil documents’ days. Total bore.

It seems like I spent thousands of years trying to build a bureaucracy to shield me from the mundane tasks only to find myself now buried in a mountain of new mundane tasks to be read, approved and signed off on.

You ever get the feeling that everything you do to make things easier just makes them harder? Well, that’s what it is like running Hell, in a nutshell.

Not as roomy as hand basket, to be sure.

Keep the flames going, donate to the Make Hell Great Again Fund.