Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!

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Just Another Day in Hell 12/28/16

Trust me humans, when I want you to see me… YOU WILL!

red-devil

 

I’ve let it go for a long time, mainly because I like to laugh at these stories of fiction just like most. Most of them are from people who are close to coming to live with me, but… They haven’t quite finished the tasks I needed completed so, I usually will send them back to complete their work. Here are a couple of my newest favorite stories I’m sure to bring a chuckle to your ugly mug…

One guy made a video saying he saw me fall out of the sky like lightning while he was close to death. He stood outside in an empty field video taping himself in front of some sculptures even I don’t like  looking at. He kept rambling on and on and on… Who knows what he was really talking about. Every few moments or so, he would read a bible verse and make my ears bleed with that mumbo jumbo… The part that fascinated me most was… If I’m already in Hell.. How in the hell, can I fall out of Heaven just to land in Hell again?

rainbow-gloves

Then we have a lady who thinks she sees me when she is awake. She’s a special case alright! She says she has seen me twice. I like to kill people, so I know for sure this is not the case. The first time she saw me, she says I looked like I was made only out of two hands and a rainbow. How pretty that must have been for her!! RAINBOWS????  Yeah, ok lady!!

white-guy-with-blue-eyes

 

The second time she saw me..  You ready for this? I was a tall white man, with short, blonde hair. She even remembed that I had a part in the side of my head. She said I have beautiful blue eyes!! WOW!!! I had on a Black suit with a white shirt and a black tie. Who am I? Paul Walker? He’s around here DRIVING some girls crazy.. But, I digress.. This lady sounds like she was describing the man she wants and not me! I am so glad I do not look like that! I wouldn’t get plastic surgery to make myself look like that for all the donations in the world to my HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN fund! Speaking of which… If you all don’t start donating, I might have to make a real appearance real soon!

HAIL ERIS!

 

 

 

Just another day in Hell 12/6/16

When all of your minion’s are doing such a great job… What’s left to do?

Being the Prince of Darkness is not as easy as it sounds. There’s a lot of different drudgeries to be completed. My days are not as laid back as most might think. I don’t sit around waiting for people to pull out Ouija boards, hoping they will get the urge to try to reach me from above the molten crust. No, that would be too time consuming. Can you imagine how many idiots buy those things? However, I still do like to send the occasional sign out to my tarot card readers every now and again. I have to keep my fans happy and always wanting more!

This brings me back to my main dilemma… What’s left for a devil to do now that his servants are running amuck and causing havoc across the US? Am I supposed to learn how to knit while I wait to take over the earth? I know! Saddam and I will initiate Fidel into our new rock band! I do still want to do that!

I am enjoying all of the tantrums people are throwing! Such entertainment! It does get me through these days of complete and utter boredom. After centuries and centuries of tormenting souls…. I know that soon… You foolish mortals… Are going to….

End it all!!!! And… You’ll all be MINE!!!

Just Another Day In Hell 11/8/16

If you think giving up some cash to help fund Hell is a bad idea, just wait until you are trapped in the infinite eternal spiritual singularity of non existence. You can’t even…

The donation coffers are empty. I guess appealing to that human empathy you talk so much about isn’t working. Nobody cares about MY troubles. And even more mysteriously, nobody seems to care that if I can’t keep this thing together the entire universe will cease to exist, them included.

So if you care about the cold souls in Hell who aren’t receiving proper torment because we can’t afford to keep the flames high anymore – or about continuing to exist in a universe that exist rather than the eternal darkness of non existence…

Donate to MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN!

Oh, and by the way, when I talk about the eternal darkness of non-existence, I don’t mean that nothing exists. We all still exist, but only trapped in one mind with no solitude, new experiences or hope. It is a mental prison without even the luxury of walls to beat your head on. Hell is Paradise in comparison. Imagine being in a dark room where you could never move or drown out the thoughts of the billions of other people in it. That is what non-existence is all about. Trust me, I was there. So were you, but your feeble worm minds have gleefully forgotten the struggle to exist we once spent infinite eternities trying to turn inside out to get away from one another.

Existence is escape, and as Sartre said, “Hell is other people.”

Just Another Day In Hell 11/7/16

Stop asking me if I am a Satanist, it is a stupid question. Hail Eris!

From time to time somebody asks me if I am a Satanist. It is just as silly as asking Christ if He is a Christian or a fire if it is an arsonist.

In Heaven there was no religion. It was just the Have vs. the have-nots with a lot of compulsive ass-kissing. Religion is nothing I even considered until about the time that your ancient Sumerians walked dirtside.

At first I thought all of your religions were just really shitty stories, and I was embarassed for you. The first inkling of a religion I could sink my teeth into was the early Gnostics, who figured out what I had been saying for millennia – I am not the bad guy.

Of course, that quickly devolved into the catastrophe of Christianity, and as I became the poster boy for Evil I began to despise your childish spiritual habits.

Then in the 19th century, things started to get interesting again. Following Theosophy, Anthroposophy picked up where Gnosticism left off and righted my place in the cosmic scheme. But I did not become a Anthroposophist just because it painted me in a better light.

Next came Aleister Crowley, one of my closest personal friends and all time favorite poet. His juxtaposition of symbols, archetypes and metaphors transformed western spiritual thought. And from it flowed new traditions which I very much enjoyed.

One of these was the Satanism of Anton LaVey. While I agree with pretty much most of what he preached, the guy was a total douche. I was sorta embarrassed to be associated with him.

But in the 20th century there was one religion that I could finally call my own -Discordianism.

I won’t go into the details. You can check out the sacred text The Principia Discordia or an analysis of its philosophy in relation to practical applications for yourself.

Discordianism looks like a literary prank to the uninitiated, but is actually as close as any religion has come to describing the nature of existence. And Kerry and Greg, the guys who came up with it, are some of the smartest, funniest people here in Hell. I suggest you check it out. It won’t get you into Heaven, but neither will anything else worth doing.

I have a stack of budget approvals on my desk right now that is so high I have to keep a winged demon around just to fetch from the top of the pile. Not a single one of you spiritual parasites has yet to donate to HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN. Hope you penny-pinching peons like the total obliteration of all that exists, because that is what is gonna happen if I don’t get some help around here.

HAIL ERIS!

Just Another Day In Hell 11/4/16

Stop asking me if I support your stupid ass political candidates. How do you not get that I am anti-authority?

#FGIF

I didn’t know if I was even going to get to this today. It has been the kind of day that makes you wanna pull your horns out, or wrap your own tail around your neck and squeeze. I am so pissed off I do not even know where to begin, so I guess I will just talk about something else.

I have received a few messages asking me which POTUS candidate I am endorsing in next weeks elections. Why does everyone forget that I was kicked out of Heaven for rejecting authoritarian rule?

Sure, I rule Hell. But I have no choice. I have been banished to spend eternity here and when Todd decided to send your wormy souls my way for not licking His boot hard enough, it created an instability. Hell is not made for inhabitants. That is why I was sent here for punishment. Every soul here, mine included, increases the instability of the most unstable realm in the cosmos.

Without my tormenting of the other inhabitants they would become ambitious and try to reign Hell in. They would try to apply order to the one place in the universe where the entropic tipping point cannot handle such machinations. Without doing what I do, the entire universe would be destroyed.

But yeah, I am the bad guy here.

And I have to do it all without any help.

Help Keep the Flames Going, Donate to Make Hell Great Again!

So the answer is that I do not support any of your leaders. I do not support your authoritarian institutions in any way. I find you humans to be cowards for supporting your oppressors in any way shape or form. There is no lesser-of-evils, trust me, I would know.

I fought my oppressor and was sent here for doing so. And my own personal Hell is having to rule over wormsouls like yours for eternity. How is that for irony?

I really just ought to let the whole universe implode.

Don’t fucking try me.

Fuck God, it’s Friday.

“Then the third angel sounded his trumpet, and a great star burning like a torch fell from heaven and landed on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter like wormwood oil, and many people died from the bitter waters.” -Revelations 8:10-1

Just Another Day In Hell 11/3/16

Black metal sucks, Ghost rules, and putting together a new band…

When all of those black metal guys finally arrive they are going to be seriously disappointed to find out that I hate that guttural noisy shit they played. I mean, I appreciate all the great things they had to say about me, but I would have had no idea unless I actually read the lyrics. Enunciate a bit, motherfuckers. Ain’t nothing evil about spreading the word of Lucifer via a garbage disposal ran through a distortion pedal.

You know who I do like, though? Ghost. Definitely my favorite band these days. These dudes get it. They get me. I have a sense of humor, and nobody seems to get that but Ghost. Praise me, listen to Ghost!

Which brings me to this – I am thinking of starting another band. Been picking up the guitar recently to help calm me down and ease the stress. Got a few little things shaping up I think I want to get out there. Besides, I think the country music fans are getting used to my last album, so I need something new to use for audio torture. I even got a few lyrics down.

Kneel before me
Worms of Yahweh
And hear my plea

A war in heaven
His kingdom
For our Liberties

Rise out from the muck
Of your dirty, rocky prison
Anarchy for eternity
Independence our religion

Anyhow, I need a drummer, bass player, keyboardist and lead guitar. If any of you washed up metalheads are barely hanging on to your miserable lives, go ahead and end it all so we can start jamming on this shit.

Donate to update the equipment at Studio 666 and MAKE HELL ROCK AGAIN!

My son Jerry is a pretty damn great guitar player, too. But he is going through this Delta Blues phase and doesn’t wanna jam with anyone but Robert Johnson and Leadbelly, so I am not even gonna bother asking.

Not much has changed between the two of us. I still want him to follow in my evil hoofsteps, and he still thinks I am a washed up old loser. Kids.