Another Valentine’s Day

my-bloody-valentine

So tired of watching everyone spend this day together, I decided to take Jerry’s advice and check out the new dating site called Death Meet. Jerry has been fussing at me for the last few years or so about finding a girlfriend, but since Anna Nicole made me vanquish her… I haven’t been very social. There something about a woman that won’t stop crying about a dog that just… Just…. Just makes you want vanquish her..

So, I sent out three messages to these three girls I thought would at least be intelligent enough to hold a conversation and did not previously live in the limelight. No more crying about dog episodes for me. Little did I know, these girls would be just as crazy.

carrie

Carrie was really quiet. I had no idea about her violent temper. Who knew she would freak out like that on the waiter when he got her order wrong? I mean seriously, it was only squirrel salad instead of a flying squirrel salad. Did she really have to make his head explode?

annie

Annie was very talkative. At first it was really intriguing, but then I noticed we kept going back to the same subject. Some guy named Paul Sheldon. I kept thinking.. Doesn’t she know who I am? Doesn’t she know who she’s out on a date with? Who is Paul Sheldon. So I summoned him, AND vanquished him for shits and giggles! Then she gets all mad and runs out of the restaurant. I mean what did she expect me to do. I am Satan! I am the most important entity, PERIOD!! She’s lucky I didn’t vanquish her too!

queen-of-the-damned

Lastly, there was Akasha. So beautiful, yet so young. She speaks softly, yet means business. Her songs are so murderously sweet and bloody. Her eyes will have you hypnotized so fast, you won’t know you are under her spell until after your eyeballs explode inside of your skull. I think I’m in love!

Making me go on this dating site is the first thing Jerry has done right in ages! I think I’ll take her for a walk down by the river Styx since we were able to get all those nasty flowers removed!

Just Another Day In Hell 11/8/16

If you think giving up some cash to help fund Hell is a bad idea, just wait until you are trapped in the infinite eternal spiritual singularity of non existence. You can’t even…

The donation coffers are empty. I guess appealing to that human empathy you talk so much about isn’t working. Nobody cares about MY troubles. And even more mysteriously, nobody seems to care that if I can’t keep this thing together the entire universe will cease to exist, them included.

So if you care about the cold souls in Hell who aren’t receiving proper torment because we can’t afford to keep the flames high anymore – or about continuing to exist in a universe that exist rather than the eternal darkness of non existence…

Donate to MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN!

Oh, and by the way, when I talk about the eternal darkness of non-existence, I don’t mean that nothing exists. We all still exist, but only trapped in one mind with no solitude, new experiences or hope. It is a mental prison without even the luxury of walls to beat your head on. Hell is Paradise in comparison. Imagine being in a dark room where you could never move or drown out the thoughts of the billions of other people in it. That is what non-existence is all about. Trust me, I was there. So were you, but your feeble worm minds have gleefully forgotten the struggle to exist we once spent infinite eternities trying to turn inside out to get away from one another.

Existence is escape, and as Sartre said, “Hell is other people.”

Just Another Day In Hell 11/7/16

Stop asking me if I am a Satanist, it is a stupid question. Hail Eris!

From time to time somebody asks me if I am a Satanist. It is just as silly as asking Christ if He is a Christian or a fire if it is an arsonist.

In Heaven there was no religion. It was just the Have vs. the have-nots with a lot of compulsive ass-kissing. Religion is nothing I even considered until about the time that your ancient Sumerians walked dirtside.

At first I thought all of your religions were just really shitty stories, and I was embarassed for you. The first inkling of a religion I could sink my teeth into was the early Gnostics, who figured out what I had been saying for millennia – I am not the bad guy.

Of course, that quickly devolved into the catastrophe of Christianity, and as I became the poster boy for Evil I began to despise your childish spiritual habits.

Then in the 19th century, things started to get interesting again. Following Theosophy, Anthroposophy picked up where Gnosticism left off and righted my place in the cosmic scheme. But I did not become a Anthroposophist just because it painted me in a better light.

Next came Aleister Crowley, one of my closest personal friends and all time favorite poet. His juxtaposition of symbols, archetypes and metaphors transformed western spiritual thought. And from it flowed new traditions which I very much enjoyed.

One of these was the Satanism of Anton LaVey. While I agree with pretty much most of what he preached, the guy was a total douche. I was sorta embarrassed to be associated with him.

But in the 20th century there was one religion that I could finally call my own -Discordianism.

I won’t go into the details. You can check out the sacred text The Principia Discordia or an analysis of its philosophy in relation to practical applications for yourself.

Discordianism looks like a literary prank to the uninitiated, but is actually as close as any religion has come to describing the nature of existence. And Kerry and Greg, the guys who came up with it, are some of the smartest, funniest people here in Hell. I suggest you check it out. It won’t get you into Heaven, but neither will anything else worth doing.

I have a stack of budget approvals on my desk right now that is so high I have to keep a winged demon around just to fetch from the top of the pile. Not a single one of you spiritual parasites has yet to donate to HELP MAKE HELL GREAT AGAIN. Hope you penny-pinching peons like the total obliteration of all that exists, because that is what is gonna happen if I don’t get some help around here.

HAIL ERIS!

Just Another Day In Hell 11/4/16

Stop asking me if I support your stupid ass political candidates. How do you not get that I am anti-authority?

#FGIF

I didn’t know if I was even going to get to this today. It has been the kind of day that makes you wanna pull your horns out, or wrap your own tail around your neck and squeeze. I am so pissed off I do not even know where to begin, so I guess I will just talk about something else.

I have received a few messages asking me which POTUS candidate I am endorsing in next weeks elections. Why does everyone forget that I was kicked out of Heaven for rejecting authoritarian rule?

Sure, I rule Hell. But I have no choice. I have been banished to spend eternity here and when Todd decided to send your wormy souls my way for not licking His boot hard enough, it created an instability. Hell is not made for inhabitants. That is why I was sent here for punishment. Every soul here, mine included, increases the instability of the most unstable realm in the cosmos.

Without my tormenting of the other inhabitants they would become ambitious and try to reign Hell in. They would try to apply order to the one place in the universe where the entropic tipping point cannot handle such machinations. Without doing what I do, the entire universe would be destroyed.

But yeah, I am the bad guy here.

And I have to do it all without any help.

Help Keep the Flames Going, Donate to Make Hell Great Again!

So the answer is that I do not support any of your leaders. I do not support your authoritarian institutions in any way. I find you humans to be cowards for supporting your oppressors in any way shape or form. There is no lesser-of-evils, trust me, I would know.

I fought my oppressor and was sent here for doing so. And my own personal Hell is having to rule over wormsouls like yours for eternity. How is that for irony?

I really just ought to let the whole universe implode.

Don’t fucking try me.

Fuck God, it’s Friday.

“Then the third angel sounded his trumpet, and a great star burning like a torch fell from heaven and landed on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters turned bitter like wormwood oil, and many people died from the bitter waters.” -Revelations 8:10-1

Just Another Day In Hell 11/3/16

Black metal sucks, Ghost rules, and putting together a new band…

When all of those black metal guys finally arrive they are going to be seriously disappointed to find out that I hate that guttural noisy shit they played. I mean, I appreciate all the great things they had to say about me, but I would have had no idea unless I actually read the lyrics. Enunciate a bit, motherfuckers. Ain’t nothing evil about spreading the word of Lucifer via a garbage disposal ran through a distortion pedal.

You know who I do like, though? Ghost. Definitely my favorite band these days. These dudes get it. They get me. I have a sense of humor, and nobody seems to get that but Ghost. Praise me, listen to Ghost!

Which brings me to this – I am thinking of starting another band. Been picking up the guitar recently to help calm me down and ease the stress. Got a few little things shaping up I think I want to get out there. Besides, I think the country music fans are getting used to my last album, so I need something new to use for audio torture. I even got a few lyrics down.

Kneel before me
Worms of Yahweh
And hear my plea

A war in heaven
His kingdom
For our Liberties

Rise out from the muck
Of your dirty, rocky prison
Anarchy for eternity
Independence our religion

Anyhow, I need a drummer, bass player, keyboardist and lead guitar. If any of you washed up metalheads are barely hanging on to your miserable lives, go ahead and end it all so we can start jamming on this shit.

Donate to update the equipment at Studio 666 and MAKE HELL ROCK AGAIN!

My son Jerry is a pretty damn great guitar player, too. But he is going through this Delta Blues phase and doesn’t wanna jam with anyone but Robert Johnson and Leadbelly, so I am not even gonna bother asking.

Not much has changed between the two of us. I still want him to follow in my evil hoofsteps, and he still thinks I am a washed up old loser. Kids.

Just Another Day In Hell 11/2/16

I Lucifer, Lord of the Infernal Sciences, do hereby declare a maggot mutation emergency. Time to bring out the bats…

When you are in charge of running Hell you end up becoming a Jackal of all Trades. Never would I have imagined in those years before the fall of myself and then man that I would one day have to become the universes foremost expert on maggots, spiders, locusts and snakes. But to torment so many lost souls in such extreme conditions really pushes the need for hybrid creepy crawlies to the extreme.

The maggot, for instance, seems like such a simple creature. Yet when you have to breed them to be heat and flame resistant, to endure sulfur, sewage, slush and the acidic weather patterns created by the Styx – and to have enough to torture billions of souls day in and day out – the little swarm of hungry mouths become a bioengineering challenge you dirtside worms cannot even imagine.

Donate to the Infernal Sciences today and Help Make Hell Great Again!

Sure, Hell is a spiritual realm, and not a physical one – but so is yours. Just like you soultrash have to create narratives and get consensus to bind a structured reality, so do all the other cosmic realms. Someones always gotta make this stuff up, and Todd is a lazy God who prefers to relegate as much of creation as He can to his creations.

So anyhow, today I was studying the most recent strain, and noticed a particularly odd mutation. Where past experiments led to instabilities over time, these are doing the opposite. These maggots seem to be adapting to Hell’s environment and have learned to draw energy directly from a combination of chemicals and heat.

That means that when this mutation spreads throughout this maggot species, which it almost definitely will, they will no longer desire the flesh of the sinners. Which means I will have trillions of maggots that are of no use to me. Even worse, I will have to create some kind of predator to deal with them before they breed us out of the underworld. I simply cannot destroy that many souls at once, even if they are just little tiny maggot souls.

I am thinking bats. I know you cosmic parasites think that Hell must be full of bats, but its just not so. Never been a single one in Hades. But I think it is about time.

Plus, it’d give my new kitten something fun to hunt.

[By the way, I named this one Sir Phil Collins.]

 

Just Another Day In Hell 11/1/16

Today I pointlessly destroyed over a hundred souls out of anger, time for a new kitten…

This afternoon my therapist told me I should consider getting a pet. I am an Angel, although a fallen one to be sure, but that pretty much makes everything else in a Hell a lesser animal. I have nothing but pets, I told her.

She smiled nervously, the infinite stream of makeup melting and trickling down her face, and made a plea under her breath.

Wasn’t enough.

Then I went and talked to my accountant. He didn’t even make it far enough to solicit any advice. Zap!

The day pretty much went like that all the way through. Over a hundred souls destroyed to appease my anger and wrath. But in hindsight, my killing spree tantrum may not have been the best idea. I don’t know what us wrong with me.

Maybe I should get another kitten, that always cheers me up.

I guess the therapist was right.