Could there be anything more cliche than a Halloween in Hell post?
Let’s just make this clear, there are no holidays in Hell. Torment and suffering are the daily agenda and we don’t put damnation on pause so we can dress up and eat candy. Hell is all tricks and no treats. Well, except for the special area we have reserved for dentists.
The ancient Pagans were wrong. The spirits of their dead ancestors were not any closer to them. They were either in Heaven licking the Old Man’s boots, or down here with me, nestled cozily into an eternal ordeal of anguish.
And I had nothing to do with you limbed worms dying either, that was another special gift from He Who’s Name Cannot Be Spoken. By the way, it’s Todd. Just Todd.
However, interesting fact, the Department of Suffering Statistics has determined that those who dress up like me for Halloween more than once are almost a hundred times more likely to end up here in Hell than those that did not. So as much as it displeases me to see you spiritual nematodes mock me through cheap plastic costume likenesses, it does bring the sinners to my yard.
So…Sheila ended up coming over on Saturday for ‘Netflix & Chill’. We started watching a science fiction film, which was an extra terrible idea on my part. From the opening scene she began trying to figure out the entire plot, verbally, as though she had missed something. Every couple of minutes she asked me what I thought was happening. I wanted in that ass, so I would try to answer or tell her I didn’t know. 1/3rd of the way through the movie I just couldn’t take it any more.
“I don’t fucking know, Sheila. That is probably the reason the movie hasn’t ended yet, is so they can finish solving the fucking mystery. But I have no fucking clue, Sheila, because you have talked through the entire film. Like you always do.”
I did not get up in that ass, nor will I likely ever get up in it again. But at least I don’t have to ever suffer cinema with her again, either.
Probably gonna try one of those dating sites again. If things weren’t so tight down here, i’d just pay for it and go about my life.
The Flaming Tombs of the Heretics are pretty much worn down to nothing. No matter what materials we use, the casings always break down under the constant enclosed heat. I am not even sure when or if I will ever be able to replace them. So the Sixth Circle has been completely closed, and I was forced to send the souls there to Violence or Wrath to receive their torment until I can figure out something else.
In the meantime, Hell is not accepting any more Heretics until further notice. And that could be centuries in dirt time, so any of you worms that wanna bash the Big Guy, now would be a great time to do it.
And since Atheism is at an all time high, thanks to yours truly, this is gonna be a huge loss for new admissions. Without new souls, there is no funding. Without funding, Hell falls apart. Without Hell, the universe collapses into itself. Do the math and donate.
We still accept checks.